Friday, August 14, 2015

Get Ready for Kindergarten with Practical Tips, Tricks, and Tools


From ABCs to empathy, kids need all sorts of skills to start school. We can help!

If you're spending the waning days of summer prepping your kindergarten-bound kid for the first days of school, you're not alone. Kindergarten is a formative year for families, as kids acquire the foundational skills they'll build on for a lifetime (and parents learn the value of healthy home habits and encouraging independence). Here are some handy tricks and tools to help your kindergartners -- and you -- get ready for the school year.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Why choice words are so important for our achievement culture

The power of believing you can improve


What do Students Lose by Being Perfect? Valuable Failure.



In the first pages of Being Wrong, Kathryn Schulz writes, “In our collective imagination, error is associated not just with shame and stupidity but also with ignorance, indolence, psychopathology, and moral degeneracy.” This cultural terror of messing up, combined with modern modes of parenting and schooling obsessed with narrow versions of academic and career “success,” are making students more than risk-averse.
Books like How to Raise an Adult and Teach Your Children Well say kids are coming to college “underconstructed,” at best unsure of who they are and where they fit, at worst anxious and depressed, because their parents have protected them from the uncomfortable and unacceptable state of being wrong. Focused on getting the grades or winning the game and excused from helping out around the house, these children have internalized the pressure, and it’s morphed into a monster that paralyzes kids in their ability to take risks, screw up, find out the consequences and learn from their mistakes.
Parent and educator Jessica Lahey, author of the new book The Gift of Failure, wants parents (and teachers) to back off. She said it’s time for adults to do the responsible thing and let the children fail. Trying something and failing, she writes, is how children learn and make discoveries about themselves and the world around them. This applies to unloading the dishwasher as well as the science fair. Becoming autonomous gives children pride in themselves and their abilities, and makes them independent thinkers and doers who can cope with the ups and downs of life.
Stop bringing forgotten homework to school, Lahey tells the parents of her students.
But it will be messy, and adults should expect as much. To Lahey’s credit, The Gift of Failure defiantly rejects the binary choices of either“triumphant or bumbling adulthood”as end goals, and sees growing up as a series of peaks and valleys with lots of time to figure things out in between. Instead, she offers practical advice, steeped in the latest research, on how to let kids find their own way as parents and teachers guide them, the key word being guide — not instruct, dictate, or enable. Giving kids autonomy may or may not make them a big “success,” but the research supports that it will make kids happier, less anxious and depressed, and more fulfilled to work towards agency in their own lives.
Lahey taught middle school for more than a dozen years, and said that in that period of time, she watched as kids went from cautious to take risks to too terrified to even make a move — write a sentence, for example — without considering what people might think or how it would affect their grade.
“The thing I began to notice was not the fear of an ‘F’, it was the fear of any mistake,” she said. “It’s not that students couldn’t get to a final draft, they couldn’t get even their ideas down. From a teacher’s point of view, that’s a nightmare! If they can’t take a risk, then certainly they aren’t raising their hand with an I-wanna-try-this-idea-out kind of thing.”
Many educators already know this, but what to do about it? Educators can play a crucial part in helping kids to get comfortable with failure, which Lahey calls “autonomy-supportive teaching” and goes hand-in-hand with “autonomy-supportive parenting.” She says there are ways educators can encourage parents to let go, and here are a few:
Encourage parents to think of raising a child as a long-haul job
Stop bringing forgotten homework to school, Lahey tells the parents of her students. And stop stressing over how your daughter will do on next week’s quiz: instead, focus on what your daughter can learn if she does it all herself, without nagging and pestering and pressure. If she does indeed fail the quiz, she may be forced to ask herself what went wrong, and what she could do better next time. Parenting is a long-haul job, Lahey says, and parents and teachers need to think more about what’s going to make kids happy in the long term. In the case of the quiz, the short-term goal is getting an ‘A,’ but the long-term goal of self-sufficiency eclipses that minor ‘A’ by a long shot.
“It’s so freeing!” she said. “You can stop worrying about the stupid details of the moment-to-moment junk, and start focusing on the big things. Just think about where your kid was one year ago today. They’re amazing!” Lahey said she’s not sure if adults just forget, or worry that’s not true. She suspects, though, that parents don’t see the amazing growth in kids because they aren’t given the opportunity to show it very often.
Focus on Process Instead of Product
Lahey confesses this is a tricky balance, especially since schools today are inherently — almost obsessively — focused on product (and may inadvertently be contributing to parents’ anxieties over academic success). But there are ways to get around that, she says.
Adjust expectations (and grades) to make room for real student work. In the book, Lahey asks a kindergarten teacher what her kids can do that their parents don’t think they can. She responds: “Everything!” In autonomy-supportive teaching, work that students plan and orchestrate themselves will look like — well, like a kid did it. That means no more science projects worthy of their own Nobel. “Teachers need to move their expectations as well. Our lines for where grades should be have creeped up anyway, based on our expectations for what the product should look like. Our expectations have been skewed by the work of the parents.”
Lahey knows that teachers love to hear that a parent has decided to make the child more responsible for his own learning: “If you tell your teacher you’re making the move to more autonomy-supportive parenting, and to please hold your child to consequences without letting the kid off the hook? If you ask the teacher to help you through this — that this is the only way your child is going to learn? Just knowing when a parent is interested in supporting a student’s voice and ability to speak up for themselves: a teacher will kiss you on the lips for that!”
Back away from the parent portal
One of the biggest pitfalls to autonomy-supportive parenting, Lahey says, are the parent portal websites, with access to up-to-the-minute feedback about scores and grades. Lahey and her husband decided to forgo the parent portal for their older child. They handed the password over to their son, telling him he’d need to let them know if he was in academic trouble. Some of her friends were shocked, “as if we were defaulting on our parental duty,” she writes. “I disagree. Checking in on children’s grades is a type of surveillance, which is one of the forms of control and is often mentioned in the research as an enemy of autonomy and intrinsic motivation.”
For parents who decide to forego the parent portal (or only check it occasionally), Lahey recommends sending a note to teachers about the decision, explaining that your student is now responsible for her own communication information.
Consider the Fear of Failure May Affect More Kids Than You Think
Some educators have called out the rash of overparenting books as only written for a few upper-class parents; some have called The Overstressed American Child “a myth.” Many students are well-acquainted with failure, both their own personal shortcomings as well as the systemic failures of their schools and homes. While Lahey openly admits that The Gift of Failure doesn’t apply to everyone, she cautions that it’s not just the 1% who are terrified of their kids failing: “What I did find out by talking to teachers, is that it’s far more pervasive than we thought,” Lahey said. “We’re talking about a big chunk, a lot of middle class kids are getting the same kind of pressure,” as kids at the top. Many times, she said, the pressure’s even greater if a family doesn’t have the means to pay for college — especially when it comes to sports and scholarships.
Fear of failure destroys the love of learning
In chapter 2, Lahey relates the story of one of her students, capable and intelligent Marianna, who has “sacrificed her natural curiosity and and love of learning at the altar of achievement, and it’s our fault.”
We taught her that her potential is tied to her intellect, and her intellect is more important than her character. We taught her to protect her academic and extracurricular perfection at all costs and that it’s better to quit when things get challenging rather than risk marring that perfection.
Above all else, we have taught her to fear failure, and that fear has destroyed her love of learning.

And this is the real shame: fear of failure taints the waters of learning, keeping kids from taking risks. Making failure normal — even celebrated — Lahey contends, may be uncomfortable in the short-term, but in the long haul makes for happier, more confident kids.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Welcome back to school

What to Read Next: Back-to-School Books for August 2015

Kindergarten jitters, show-and-tell mayhem, a middle-grade princess, teen romance, a sci-fi medical thriller, and more.
Regan McMahon Senior Editor, Books | Mom of twoCategories: Early ChildhoodBack to SchoolReadingWe Recommend
Senior Editor, Books | Mom of two
As summer slips away, what better way to ease kids back into academic life than with books set in school? Picture books can help kids get ready for kindergarten and making friends. Chapter books offer mystery and fun for middle-grade readers. And teens will enjoy a sci-fi thriller about genetic manipulation and compelling contemporary romances. Check out our picks for end-of-summer/beginning-of-school reading. 
Age 2 to 6
  • If You Ever Want to Bring an Alligator to School, Don't!, by Elise Parsley, is a delightfully offbeat cautionary tale narrated by main character Magnolia, who warns readers not to make the mistake she did -- because it landed her in the principal's office. The art is hilarious and captures the resulting mayhem when Magnolia brings an alligator in for show-and-tell. 
  • Monkey: Not Ready for Kindergarten, by Marc Brown, soothes preschoolers' worries about starting kindergarten. Monkey isn't sure he'll make new friends, like the snacks, or find the bathroom, but one by one his fears are assuaged as he realizes he's perfectly ready to transition to the experience. 
  • Dory and the Real True Friend, by Abby Hanlon, is the sequel to Dory Fantasmagory and stars a wildly imaginative 6-year-oldDory is starting first grade and and has to leave her imaginary friend Mary behind. At school, she meets equally imaginative Rosabelle, and the two have exciting adventures, many featuring the imaginary friends and foes from Book 1. 
Age 7 to 12
  • Book Scavenger, by Jennifer Chambliss Bertman, is a captivating mystery involving puzzles and codes that's set in San Francisco, where 12-year-old Emily has just moved. The city is home to Garrison Griswold, the creator of Book Scavenger, a game that involves hiding books, finding clues, and tracking them down for points and bragging rights. When Griswold is shot and a rare book in his possession is lost, Emily gets it back but must crack the code before the thieves who attacked Griswold do. 
  • From the Notebooks of a Middle School Princess, by Meg Cabot, is a middle-grade intro to the author's popular Princess Diaries series, starring Olivia, an "average" sixth-grader who learns she's a princess: She's the biracial half-sister of Mia (star of The Princess Diaries), who was equally surprised when she found out she's related to the royal family of Moldavia.
  • Ink and Ashes, by Valynne E. Maetani, is an absorbing mystery with a strong, smart, 17-year-old heroine, Claire, who uncovers secrets about her parents' past and suspects her father may have had ties to the yakuza (the Japanese mafia). As she digs, she starts receiving threats that only someone who knows Japanese culture would understand.
Age 13 to 17
  • Deadly Design, by Debra Dockter, is a suspenseful science-fiction medical thriller about genetic manipulation. After his twin brother dies suddenly of heart failure, 16-year-old Kyle worries he might be in danger. His sleuthing leads to a medical conspiracy, and he learns the genetic time bomb that claimed his twin's life is ticking down his own life expectancy. 
  • Emmy & Oliver, by Robin Benway, is a contemporary realistic novel about teens who resume a friendship -- and then a relationship -- 10 years after an unexpected separation. This poignant exploration of first love between two teens still coping from a traumatic childhood event explores some tough issues (parental kidnapping, overprotective parents, coming out), but Benway keeps the language and story line accessible for young-adult readers.
  • Saint Anything, by Sarah Dessen (The Moon and More), is a teen romance about a relatable girl finding her way with family and friends after having been the victim of a sexual assault. Dessen can always be counted on for nuanced characters and naturally unfolding plots, and she's at her best here.
  • https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/what-to-read-next-back-to-school-books-for-august-2015?utm_source=080715+Ages+2-6&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=weekly

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Even top sports stars are realizing the importance of sleep

Nick Littlehales: the man who showed Cristiano Ronaldo how to sleep


What is the professional journey to becoming Cristiano Ronaldo’s sleep coach? For former golf pro and bedding industry marketing guy Nick Littlehales, the path to one of sport’s most unconventional and interesting careers started in the late 1990s, when he wondered why elite sporting organisations and teams didn’t pay any attention to the importance of sleep.
He started by zeroing in on the world of football and contacted “his local club”, which just happened to be Sir Alex Ferguson’s Manchester United. “I was always fascinated on one hand how important this natural recovery process was but just that the general population, never mind sport, took it for granted,” he tells Guardian Australia while in Sydney to talk all things sleep.
“Things have changed a lot,” he says. “Technology and sports science has come to the forefront.” Littlehales’s previous experiences in the field came not from science or the world of academia but in the more practical process of designing, manufacturing and selling sleeping products – beds, mattresses and pillows.
Ferguson’s realisation was that even if he had a firm grasp on what players were eating, how they were training and what impact it appeared to be having on their performance, the club had no control or influence over what they did once they jumped into their luxury cars and drove away from the club’s training base.
With Ferguson persuaded that his players’ sleeping patterns should become a higher priority, Littehales scored early points with the manager for his success working with United defender Gary Pallister, whose debilitating back injuries eased once Littlehales discovered the player was sleeping on a mattress that hampered his injury treatment.
“You can never cure a lower back problem like that but we saw some significant improvements,” he says, “so that triggered [the club’s view] that maybe there’s something more in this.” Until then there had been a general acceptance that players would function better after a solid night’s sleep, but no meaningful attempts at addressing it properly. “All I did was open the door,” says Littlehales.
In no time he had become involved in the planning of United’s recovery rooms at their Carrington training facility, which piqued the interest of Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger. “[Clubs] started looking at peripheral vision. They started looking at pilates and yoga.”
The British press was equally intrigued by the mysterious new figure driving in and out of the club’s training ground. “They got tipped off that I was actually coaching the players on sleep,” he says. “That started to get people thinking about that whole area.” Sixteen years later he is a leading figure in the field, having assessed and reconfigured the bedrooms of a legion of international sporting stars as well as working with Chelsea, Real Madrid, England’s national side and a host of Olympians.
For the 2004 European championships, the FA employed Littlehales to travel ahead of the England squad to strip out and reconfigure team hotel rooms and set them up for recovery purposes. It was an unprecedented move at the time, each player’s room tailored to specific needs.
With elite athletes now spending so much of their life on planes, coaches and in hotel rooms, the only really surprising thing is that it took so long for a job like this to exist. Littlehales makes sure sportspeople get the right hotel rooms on the right floor, the right air conditioning and temperature control, plus appropriate lighting and beds. Most plush hotels, he says, are designed with hen parties, stag weekends and lazy holidays in mind, so feature generic beds designed to accommodate anyone between 50kg and 200kg. They’re certainly not tailored to the needs of elite athletes. “It’s about marginal gains,” he says of his role.

For the Team Sky’s Tour de France cyclists, Littlehales created “sleep kits” that replicated what he had previously specified for each rider at their home. First there’s a bedding “topper”, a thin layer of foam customised to the body shape and requirements of each athlete, which is either placed on top of the existing hotel mattress or, if it’s not suitable, on the floor. Each one can take up to 150kg without the user feeling the floor.Littlehales has a unique and encyclopaedic knowledge of which five-star hotels are best suited to athletes and harangues the ones that aren’t up to scratch into upgrading their mattresses and bedding. Other important factors are the potential for total black-out from the sun and temperature control (16-18C is the ideal range). But the bedding is crucial. “If they don’t tick the boxes I’m bringing my own or we’ll try another hotel,” he says.
Endurance events such as the Tour are mentally taxing, so he also instructs team bosses to ensure each rider has seven sets of white linen, to be washed, dried and replaced each night to give the rider a greater sense of calm. Filters are placed over air-conditioning vents to remove allergens from the room and each athlete wears nasal strips to open their airways and avoid mouth-breathing. Nothing is left to chance.
And what about the age-old theory that eight hours of kip per day is what we need? Rubbish, says Littlehales. “Nobody gets it and nobody achieves it.” He says everyone has different physical and mental recovery times but that for elite athletes, five 90-minute sleep cycles a day is optimal, no matter what order they are in. Training schedules are now often tailored around that need and many club training facilities now equipped with sleeping pods – specially-designed bedrooms for strategic napping.
Punishing travel and playing schedules, public scrutiny and the pressures of mainting such high-profile careers are what Littlehales believes lead to sportspeople taking risks with sleeping tablets and self-medicating to sleep. “They’re overstimulated to cope. That can be caffeine … sleeping tablets just get popped because they can’t sleep or they think they won’t be able to sleep.”
Routine is also vital. Each athlete has their own chronotype; they’re either morning people or night owls, a factor Littlehales says is genetic. “If you don’t identify what that chronotype is you become an in-betweener,” he says, adding that this discovery is of particular importance to footballers, limited-overs cricketers and tennis stars, whose job is to perform at their optimal capabilities at nighttime. Some are simply born with an ability to function at a high level well into the night, others need to adapt.
Compounding all these issues in the last decade has been the advent of smartphones and electronic tablets, which allow players to lie in bed reading everything that’s written about them online, a pitfall Australian tennis star Nick Kygrios admitted to during his recent Wimbledon campaign.
“Our exposure to artificial light has just gone through the roof,” he says of the dramatic shift from phones that were for talking and listening to bright screens that athletes often stare at until all hours of the night. “That light is so intense and combined with everything else like the TVs, it’s all about wake, not sleep … we’re just letting it infiltrate our lives without any control.”
Accordingly, it’s impossible even for someone in Littlehales’s position to convince the modern athlete that they should avoid Googling themselves or Twitter-searching their own name, as many do. Twenty years ago support staff could keep players away from newspapers and TV bulletins, but with all of the internet in the palm of their hand, the curious modern athlete is never far from online noise.
“It’s too tempting just to see what might be out there,” he says. “Their agents and their media people try to control it but, just like all of us, they like to tweet or put that picture up.” As Littlehales says this he is standing at the window of his own hotel room and notes that even in as intimate a space as that, an athlete is never safe from scrutiny. Perhaps someone in the building across has spotted them, snapped a photo and tweeted it out for the world to see before the athlete has crossed to the other side of the room.
The one electronic device Littlehales does recommend is a small dawn light simulator that emits gradual light to replicate the natural circadian process of sunrise. In an ideal world every athlete would combine one of those with black-out curtains, temperature control and clean air.
Equally exasperating but beyond the control of sleep coaches and conditioning staff is that many young athletes have grown up in the world of online gaming and take consoles with them wherever they go, playing against team-mates and friends until all hours of the night as relaxation from the stresses of their professional lives.
“When you combine all of those factors it is extremely counterproductive but in sport, the way these guys get away from all the intensity is to lock themselves in rooms and play games. If they can’t sleep, they play games. They play against their mates.”
These days sleep coaches are much less likely to be measuring sleep time or tracking sleep quality through wearable devices, as was traditionally the case, but simply removing the impediments to relaxation and sleep from the athlete’s sleeping environment.
In his ideal scenario, Littlehales says athletes wouldn’t be banned from having sex before big games (“absolute crap”) but most definitely sleep solo, with partners leaving for a separate room once it’s time to get 40 winks. Many top football clubs agree. At Real Madrid’s training centre only the player himself can gain access to his customised sleeping pod, so Ronaldo sleeps alone. Littlehales says people would be surprised by the spartan, purely functional bedroom facilities at Manchester City’s academy, where the emphasis is on player recovery rather than pampering. City players will sleep there before home games.
For players who do sleep with their partner there are many extra factors to consider; the size of the bed; whether the partner is a light or fitful sleeper; that a right-handed athlete is best sleeping on their left side but on the right side of the bed, facing out to the wall or window. Still, even Littlehales says I’m taking it a bit too far suggesting that right-dominant athletes might ideally find left-dominant partners and vice versa. At the extreme end of the scale are Roger Federer’s two separate houses for use during Wimbledon, one for himself and his training and conditioning staff, the other for his family.
Remarkably, Littlehales says most elite athletes he works with have previously paid no attention to their sleeping environment at home, sending a partner or assistant out to buy their mattress and bedding. At worst that decision can lead to shoulder and neck complaints and contribute to other injuries. “I very rarely find that they’re sleeping on the right stuff,” he says.
But for those who’ve always wondered what it would be like to get inside the bedroom of a famous sportsperson, Littlehales has a sobering insight into the levels of excitement found there; the very same TVs, alarm clocks, tablets and smartphones that are stopping the rest of us getting a decent night’s sleep.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Why Free Play Is the Best Summer School





The author's sons enjoying summertime in their younger years. Jessica Lahey
Most schools across the nation have marked the end of another academic year, and it’s time for summer. Time for kids to bolt for the schoolhouse doors for two long months of play, to explore their neighborhoods and discover the mysteries, treasures, and dramas they have to offer. This childhood idyll will hold true for some children, but for many kids, the coming of summer signals little more than a seasonal shift from one set of scheduled, adult-supervised lessons and activities to another.
Unscheduled, unsupervised, playtime is one of the most valuable educational opportunities we give our children. It is fertile ground; the place where children strengthen social bonds, build emotional maturity, develop cognitive skills, and shore up their physical health. The value of free play, daydreaming, risk-taking, and independent discovery have been much in the news this year, and a new study by psychologists at the University of Colorado reveals just how important these activities are in the development of children’s executive functioning.
Executive function is a broad term for cognitive skills such as organization, long-term planning, self-regulation, task initiation, and the ability to switch between activities. It is a vital part of school preparedness and has long been accepted as a powerful predictor of academic performance and other positive life outcomes such as health and wealth. The focus of this study is “self-directed executive function,” or the ability to generate personal goals and determine how to achieve them on a practical level. The power of self-direction is an underrated and invaluable skill that allows students to act productively in order to achieve their own goals.
Children who engage in more free play have more highly developed self-directed executive function.
The authors studied the schedules and play habits of 70 six-year-old children, measuring how much time each of them spent in “less structured,” spontaneous activities such as imaginative play and self-selected reading and “structured” activities organized and supervised by adults, such as lessons, sports practice, community service and homework. They found that children who engage in more free play have more highly developed self-directed executive function. The opposite was also true: The more time kids spent in structured activities, the worse their sense of self-directed control. It’s worth noting that when classifying activities as “less structured” or “structured,” the authors deemed all child-initiated activities as “less-structured,” while all adult-led activities were “structured.”
All of this is in keeping with the findings of Boston College psychology professor Peter Gray, who studies the benefits of play in human development. In his book Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life, he elaborates on how play supports the development of executive function, and particularly self-directed control:
Free play is nature’s means of teaching children that they are not helpless. In play, away from adults, children really do have control and can practice asserting it. In free play, children learn to make their own decisions, solve their own problems, create and abide by rules, and get along with others as equals rather than as obedient or rebellious subordinates.
When we reduce the amount of free playtime in American preschools and kindergartens, our children stand to lose more than an opportunity to play house and cops and robbers. Some elementary programs recognize the importance of play and protect its role in preschool and kindergarten. Montessori schools and Tools of the Mind curricula are designed to capitalize on the benefits of self-directed free play and student-initiated activities. Tools of the Mind programs, for example, place even more importance on developing executive function than on academic skills. In their terminology, “self-regulation” is the key to success both in school and in life:
Kindergarten teachers rank self-regulation as the most important competency for school readiness; at the same time, these teachers report that many of their students come to school with low levels of self-regulation. There is evidence that early self-regulation levels have a stronger association with school readiness than do IQ or entry-level reading or math skills, and they are closely associated with later academic achievement.
This is not news to most teachers, who, when tasked with educating increasingly crowded classrooms, hope and pray for students with well-developed executive function. The ability to self-direct can spell the difference between an independent student, who can be relied upon to get her work done while chaos reigns around her, and a dependent, aimless student, who is distracted by his classmates and must be guided from one task to the next.
Parents, if you really want to give your kid a head start on coming school year, relinquish some of that time you have earmarked for lessons or sports camp and let your children play. That’s it. Just play. Grant them time free from your ulterior motives and carefully planned educational outcomes. Let them have dominion over their imaginary kingdoms while their evil dragons, white wizards, marauding armies, and grand battles for supremacy unfurl according to their whims and wills.

 http://www.theatlantic.com/ June 20, 2014 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

What Overparenting Looks Like From a Stanford Dean’s Perspective





To What End? A heightened level of parental involvement in the lives of kids obviously stems from love—unquestionably a good thing. But by the time I stepped down as dean at Stanford in 2012 I had interacted not only with a tremendous number of parents but with students who seemed increasingly reliant upon their parents in ways that felt, simply, off. I began to worry that college “kids” (as college students had become known) were somehow not quite formed fully as humans. They seemed to be scanning the sidelines for Mom or Dad. Under-constructed. Existentially impotent.

Tremendous good can be said about the baby boomers—they were drafted into and questioned the Vietnam War, lay their bodies on the line in the monumental civil rights and civil liberties struggles of their day, and fueled the greatest economic growth our nation has ever seen. But did Boomers’ egos become interlaced with the accomplishments of their children to such an extent that they felt their own success was compromised if their children fell short of expectations?14 And did some of these parents go so far in the direction of their own wants and needs that they eclipsed their own kids’ chances to develop a critical psychological trait called “self-efficacy”—that is, what eminent psychologist Albert Bandura identifies as “the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage prospective situations”?15 There’s a deeply embedded irony here: Maybe those champions of self-actualization, the Boomers, did so much for their kids that their kids have been robbed of a chance to develop a belief in their own selves.

Did the safety-conscious, academic achievement-focused, self-esteem-promoting, checklisted childhood that has been commonplace since the mid-1980s and in many communities has become the norm, rob kids of the chance to develop into healthy adults? What will become of young adults who look accomplished on paper but seem to have a hard time making their way in the world without the constant involvement of their parents? How will the real world feel to a young person who has grown used to problems being solved for them and accustomed to praise at every turn? Is it too late for them to develop a hunger to be in charge of their own lives? Will they at some point stop referring to themselves as kids and dare to claim the “adult” label for themselves? If not, then what will become of a society populated by such “adults”? These were the questions that began to gnaw at me and that prompted me to write this book.
These questions were on my mind not just at work but as I made my way in my community of Palo Alto, where the evidence of overparenting was all around me—even in my own home. Too many of us do some combination of overdirecting, overprotecting, or over-involving ourselves in our kids’ lives. We treat our kids like rare and precious botanical specimens and provide a deliberate, measured amount of care and feeding while running interference on all that might toughen and weather them. But humans need some degree of weathering in order to survive the larger challenges life will throw our way. Without experiencing the rougher spots of life, our kids become exquisite, like orchids, yet are incapable, sometimes terribly incapable, of thriving in the real world on their own. Why did parenting change from preparing our kids for life to protecting them from life, which means they’re not prepared to live life on their own? And why do these problems I’m writing about seem rooted in the middle and upper middle classes? After all, parents care deeply about doing a good job and if we’re fortunate enough to be middle- or upper-middle-class, we have the means—the time and disposable income—on our side to help us parent well. So, have we lost our sense of what parenting well actually entails?
And what of our own lives as parents? (“What life?” is a reasonable response.) We’re frazzled. Worried. Empty. Our neighborhoods are photo-worthy, our food and wine are carefully paired, but with childhood feeling more and more like an achievement arms race, can we call what we and our children are living a “good life”? I think not. Our job is to monitor our kids’ academic tasks and progress, schedule and supervise their activities, shuttle them everywhere, and offer an outpouring of praise along the way. Our kids’ accomplishments are the measure of our own success and worth; that college bumper sticker on the rear of our car can be as much about our own sense of accomplishment as our kids’.
In the spring of 2013 I attended a board meeting for an organization that provides financial support to Palo Alto’s public schools. In casual conversation afterward as the parents were taking one last piece of coffee cake and heading out into their day, a woman who knows of my work pulled me aside. “When did childhood get so stressful?” she pleaded with a faraway look. I put my hand on her shoulder as tears slowly filled her eyes. Another mother overheard and came toward us, nodding her head. Then she leaned in, asking me, “Do you know how many moms in our community are medicated for anxiety?” I didn’t know the answer to either question. But a growing number of conversations like this with moms like these became another reason to write this book.
The dean in me may have been concerned about the development and prospects of young adults who had been overparented—and I think I’ve made better choices as a parent thanks to spending so much time with other people’s young adults. But the parent in me has struggled with the same fears and pressures every other parent faces, and, again, I understand that the systemic problem of overparenting is rooted in our worries about the world and about how our children will be successful in it without us. Still, we’re doing harm. For our kids’ sakes, and also for our own, we need to stop parenting from fear and bring a more healthy—a more wisely loving—approach back into our communities, schools, and homes. Through research woven together with real-life observations and commonsense advice, this book will show us how to raise our kids to become adults—and how to gather the courage to do so.